I have wanted to do this post for some time however I know that many people in life have some really brutal and tough times so what stopped me writing this was the thought that my situation wasn’t warranted.
That it was not all that bad and others have it far worse scenario.
But then I remembered something my psychologist told me, she said to stop making light of my own situation and putting everyone else’s situation ahead of my own. My situation matters, just as much as anyone else’s does.
Do you understand where I am with this? Maybe you do it too?
Shrug off your problems because you know others have it far worse?
Well, I was very successful at this and eventually it all came crumbling down around me, forcing me to really look at myself.
Some of that story below.
This email may have triggers for those with mental health issues so please feel free to delete.
The past 5 years for me have been pretty full on to be honest.
In 2014 I discovered that I have an eating disorder and I was punishing myself with gruelling exercise, daily.
I began to research this and dived into it head on (like I generally do with my A personality type). I realised that all the trauma I had been carrying around as a child had manifested itself into controlling my weight. My perfectionism was rife and I was totally out of control.
And of course once you open pandora’s box there is no turning back. There is only moving forward so I began the long and arduous process of digging deep.
This was such a painful process and it stripped everything I thought I had away. Like EVERYTHING. What was I left with?
I began to question everything about my life including my relationships, my family, where my place is in this world and who the f@ck I was.
I realised I was fat phobic, meaning I had a fear of fat and everything that comes with that. And I was a right asshole to many people who came looking for advice on fitness and health. I was allowing my ego to run wild and thought I had all the right answers, for everyone.
About a year into this messy process I began to slowly peel back the layers of awkwardness and ickkiness and started to coach differently, to make a safe space for people to explore movement in a way that felt great to them. To show empathy, love, understanding and support. To really challenge my fat phobia and seek to understand where this all came from and how I can change my perception. I read far and wide and I reached out to others who were further ahead in their journey and asked for help.
I was changing, I was evolving and I was full speed ahead into a massive crash that I did not see coming.
In 2017 a relationship breakdown threw me so far out of my comfort zone I was literally broken. The breakdown of this relationship and friendship I held so dear and close to my heart sent me into a spiral of depression, one which eventually when I finally faced that I needed help, saw me visit a psychologist.
Literally the best thing I could of ever done for myself. Again, I slowly started picking through all the pieces, I began to unravel all of my childhood trauma and like a jigsaw puzzle everything started to fall into place.
I answered the unanswered. I found what I had been missing all my life and began the process of putting it all back together.
Through all of this I was still a functioning human. I was a wife to my husband, a mother to my children, a friend and of course I was running my business and coaching all of these amazing people everyday.
I never let on to anyone, apart from my closest family that I was going through all of this turmoil. There were days that I would literally drag myself into work, slap on a fake smile and bring every ounce of energy I had to my clients and then go and crash on the couch and sleep for hours afterwards, only to do it all again the next day.
In between all of the mental health issues I was also having significant physical health issues and thankfully some of that was rectified in 2018.
Yes, I had a lot going on and yes I felt defeated most days however, I never showed it. Was that the best way to deal with it? Nope. It was the way I decided to deal with it though and hence why I am writing it all out now.
Someone’s life from the outside looking in may look amazing and full and fun however we never really know what is happening on the inside.
Most people are good at putting that facade on and ploughing through their days in order to survive.
I managed to grow my business also in this time! Not an easy feat even without all of the above going on! It goes to show that many people can function really well even under high stress and not let it be known.
My point is this: Don’t compare yourself to anyone else, run your own race, stay true to you and don’t judge anyone else’s life.
You never ever know what is happening with that person so my motto is to just be kind to everyone who crosses your path and show some understanding and empathy.
And one last tip; If you relate to my story and you are trying to do it all alone, DON’T. Reach out, ask someone you can trust to help you even if all they do is listen. You really do not need to do it all alone and I wish someone had of told me this.
My life now is so much better for all of the above. I have had help for my eating disorder and my perfectionism as well as unpacking all of that childhood trauma and my physical health although not fully recovered I am healing well.
I understand why I was the person I was and I am accepting of her and grateful to be able to grow and change and to understand because when we know better, we do better.
What have you been through in your life that has changed the course of things for you?
Thanks for reading and if you need an ear I am here for you.